The Victorian Guide

The Steam-Powered Breast Pump

beach — Sat, 10 Nov 2012 14:53:25 +0000

A Stately Home Birth

beach — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 16:54:25 +0000

An averagely well-appointed English country seat offers multitudinous options for the English country woman who wishes to give birth in unfettered communion with Nature, in the manner of the glorious wild nymphs of mythology or the southern Europeans of the present day. Here are some accepted locations in your grounds in which to deliver a child.

A Greco-Roman folly in the grounds of your country house :

Advantages : Natural light. Child can begin classical education early. Undigniﬁed screaming during labour need not disturb your neighbours.
Disadvantages : Indecency of naked statues could be upsetting. Pigeons.

Behind a Ha-Ha :

Advantages : Fresh air. Low cost. Some privacy.
Disadvantages : Vulnerable to changes in the weather. Vulnerable to unexpected visits by the local hunt.

A ‘Birthing Pool’—a lake or decent-sized duck pond should be ideal :

Advantages : Water can be soothing, both physically and emotionally. Spare towels &c. can be rested safely on lily pads.
Disadvantages : Drowning. Predatory fish. (Not recommended during winter months if ice-skating is being practised.)

At One with Nature

Whatever Am I Having ?

beach — Fri, 01 Jun 2012 14:47:06 +0000

Fear not ! You are almost certainly bearing a human. Recent developments in Protuberology even allow us to predict which sort. While purists may favour the traditional gender-divining method of urinating on a midwife and waiting to see whether she turns pink or blue, the modern scientist has now achieved predictive sexing accuracy of over 40 per cent—simply by staring long and hard at the shape of your belly.

Does My Bump Look Big In This Corset ?

beach — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 14:39:09 +0000

So you have fallen pregnant. For a married woman, this should be the happiest news of your life. (For an unmarried woman, I have nothing further to say to you, other than : “repent”.)

You will no doubt be excited and relieved to have fulfilled the most important of your duties towards your husband, and I shouldn’t wonder that your delicate female heart is ﬁlled with some trepidation about the daunting road ahead.

Rest assured : within these pages you will find all the information you need, from the changes your body will undergo during pregnancy to the proper way to approach a fashionable bishop to perform a christening.

One note before we begin. It has become conventional for books to contend that an expectant mother is embarking upon a wonderful, rewarding journey that will put her in touch with Nature and the very core of her womanhood. This is bilge of the most dangerous kind : pregnancy is a positively horrible business, on a par with having to read the works of Mr George Bernard Shaw without recourse to strong drink ; or visiting a hospital in Swindon and being obliged to dole out money to the parasitic malingerers within.

I have known many, many pregnant women, most but not all of them bearers of my own children, and I can say without fear of contradiction that they all hated the experience from Genesis to Revelations.

Good luck!

Marquis of Swindon
Philanthropist